An Alcoholics Daily Diet

The first part of this diet comes at the beginning of the day, which for most of you should be around 12:30pm. Any earlier than that and you’re probably not getting enough sleep. If you’re up earlier than that then just simply lay in bed and think about your life until you no longer want to face reality and then get whisked off to a world of your own creating.

Now, once it’s finally an appropriate time to wake up you’re going to want to get rid of that hangover as quickly as possible. There are many ways to do this – eating a hamburger, drinking some water, going for a walk and getting some fresh air. But the way that I find best is by continuing to drink. So here is my improved Bloody Mary recipe.

5oz vodka – the bottom shelf stuff should work just as well as anything else. I mean, it is vodka; literally the biggest selling point is that it’s flavourless and odourless. The cheap stuff will taste the same as the cheap stuff – flavourless. So, just grab whatever you have at hand.

5oz tomato juice – I always have a carton of tomato juice in the fridge just in case I ever need to make one of these. Which is every morning. And it lasts pretty much forever, plus you’re adding vodka to it so that should kill the bacteria…right?

1oz white wine vinegar – I never have lemons on me whenever I want to make a Bloody Mary, so one day I subbed in this stuff and it worked out well enough. If you have lemons then use those, but if you have lemons then I doubt you’ll be reading this.

12 dashes Tabasco hot sauce – You’re hungover, dehydrated, hungry and tired; there’s no way the usually recommended three dashes is going to be enough for you. That’s for pussies who ‘drink casually’ and enjoy having ‘brunch with friends.’ But, my friend and reader, you’re better than them. You’re an alcoholic! Be proud of yourself and also wake yourself up by going completely overboard on the hot-sauce.

Worcestershire, salt and pepper to taste – as with absolutely every single recipe that you ever make you should always make sure to include enough salt and pepper to make it taste good. And also Worcestershire sauce adds a nice bit of fishiness to your drink which will definitely help you wake up.

Optional:

Celery salt – I have literally never seen this anywhere, but all the recipes I’ve seen for Bloody Maries (Marys?) calls for this ingredient. So I guess if you can actually find it then chuck it in.

Horse Radish – I never have ice and so I’ve never made a Bloody Mary in a shaker, I always make it in the glass. I once made the mistake of including the recommended ingredient of horse radish and I ended up with disgusting floating globs of tangy white paste. If you’re going to include this ingredient then make sure to add some ice and shake it up in a shaker thingy.

An egg/egg white – If you wanna turn this into a proper breakfast that’s less liquid and thicker then add an egg or an egg white to your shaker with the ice and shake that baby for a solid minute.

Onion Powder and Garlic Powder – Once, whilst making one of these, I saw onion powder and onion powder on my spice rack and thought to myself ‘hey, we add onion and garlic to literally everything else that’s delicious. Why not this drink?’ and I so I put it in there and it was delicious. So if you enjoy tasty things then I recommend this optional addition.

Alterations:

Tequila and Cholula instead of Vodka and Tabasco in order to make a Bloody Mexican.

Then simply garnish with a single rib of celery and you’re all done. Suck this fucker down and you’ll be ready to drink for the rest of the day. If you feel like making any of your own alterations or additions then go ahead. There have been literally hundreds of books written about the Martini, and that’s just two ingredients and some olives so imagine what you could do with a cocktail that takes at least four ingredients (vodka, tomato juice, salt and Tabasco).

Once you’re done with whatever the hell it is you do in the morning, whether it be jacking off or watching the news or wasting your time writing then it’s time to get into your serious drinking mode. Here I am going to offer a sequence of drinks that will undoubtedly tide you over until probably about 6pm.

The White Russian:

If you have any leftover vodka after the Bloody Mary you made this morning then this is the perfect drink to help mellow you out after that massive kick in the arse. It’s also simple enough to make, so it shouldn’t be too difficult after the five ounces of vodka you’ve already had. It’s a simple mixture of 2oz vodka, 2oz Kahlua poured into a rocks glass that has two or three ice cubes in it, or none if you don’t ever bother to make ice. Then just top it up with cream, or milk, or half-n-half, or whatever milk based product you have going off in the back of your fridge. Stir it together and enjoy the milky, coffee-y, vodka-y concoction that you’ve put together that both tastes delicious and can easily get you shitfaced.

The Moscow Mule:

Making sure to be economical with your drinks is extremely important for an alcoholic, since you almost never have any money to spend on more drinks. This is why utilizing as much vodka as possible is important. Enter the Moscow Mule. Simply wash out the glass that you used to make your Bloody Mary or, if you prefer a disgusting tomatoyness to your ginger beer then don’t. Then simply pour in another 5oz of vodka and top it with ginger beer and ice. Preferably the type of ginger beer that actually has alcohol in it, but some store bought ginger ‘beer’ will do fine. Maybe add in another ounce or two of vodka. And again some ice goes nicely with this, if you have any.

Screwdriver:

Get a bottle of orange juice, drink some down, top it up with vodka. Rinse and repeat until out of orange juice or out of vodka, whichever comes first.

Pirates Daiquiri:

It’s pretty obvious by this point that I don’t make cocktails with ice. Nor do I make cocktails that require any sort of investment in products that aren’t alcohol. If I could then I wouldn’t be an alcoholic – and neither would you! But sometimes I want to treat myself, and that’s when I make a Daiquiri. But not just any Daiquiri – I make the Pirates Daiquiri. This is especially affordable when it’s lime season and limes are, like, fifty cents each. If you have bootlegged or stolen rum then that’ll make it even more authentic.

Grab yourself a rocks glass and put a teaspoon of sugar in the bottom and then grab a lime and cut it in half. Take one of the halves and squeeze it into the glass and use your fingers as a type of strainer for the pulp and the seeds and also for added flavour. Then fill the rest of the glass up with gin and stir with the teaspoon you used for the sugar. Put on a pirate voice and an option eye-patch and enjoy. By this time you should be too wasted to notice that this drink is awful. Sub the rum out for vodka if you want.

Tequila Mockingbird/Tequila Sunrise:

If you’re a lit buff, or just want to seem like one, then you can make this drink that mocks the title of a piece of classic literature. Clean out your Bloody Mary glass and pour in 3oz of tequila, and then pour in about 5oz of tonic water (or champagne is you’re fuckin loaded) and top up with orange juice – perhaps the stuff you used when making your Screwdriver. Feel free to sub in grapefruit if you’re more of a Hunter S. Thompson fan.

Gin and Tonic:

Frankly, I think this drink is for middle aged women who either want to be divorced or who are recently divorced. But who am I to judge you. Go ahead and pour 5 oz of gin into a glass and top up with tonic water. If you have fresh lime then go ahead and put that in there too. This is a pretty unfuckup-able recipe, so maybe save this until later on in the evening.

Now you’re ready for the heavy stuff. It’s time to think about the drinks that you’ll be consuming until at least midnight.

Beer:

Get a beer. Open it up. Drink it.

Wine:

If you can’t afford beer then wine is a totally acceptable alternative. Get the box stuff, you should be so fucked up by this time that you won’t be able to tell the difference. Punch a hole where it says you should, pull out the nozzle thing and pour into whatever liquid vessel you have convenient to you.

Liquor:

This should be saved in case you have any dredges left over from your mixing up during the day. No need for a container in this case, just unscrew the cap and drink up until you end up throwing up all over the floor.

This select list of drinks should be able to get you through any day and hopefully keep you drunk enough to be able to survive through another miserable 24 hours of existence. It only takes three bottles of liquor, and the rest of the ingredients can be purchased for less than the cost of the price of petrol it would take to drive to an AA meeting.

Enjoy, and make sure to drink responsibly.

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